Note this is a Gag Article.
Muv Luv Extra Edit
Requires Expansion, but then again Extra is already a joke so an abridged plot might not be necessary.
Muv Luv Unlimited Edit
Muv Luv Alternative Edit
For a non-gag version: http://muvluv.wikia.com/wiki/Muv-Luv_Alternative_plot_summary
Prologue UN TSF: Oh Noez! Their Hueman Buraaaains!
22nd October 2001 Shirogane: Holy shit I'm in the past! Time to find Yuuko-sensei!
*after finding Yuuko-sensei*
Yuuko: So you're from the future?
Yuuko: Seems legit. What do you remember from the future?
Shirogane: You fuck up and everyone dies.
Yuuko: Anything useful?
Yuuko: ...Riiiight. So what's the plan? I'm sure you have all kinds of information that I can use to my advantage and push Alternative IV, right? Blackmail material, future notes, secret passcodes, strategic weapon's codes and whatever else that will make my life easier?
Shirogane: What for?
Yuuko: So we bend history to our advantage.
Shirogane: .....OOOOHHH! You mean you want me to be an intelligent, half-adequate protagonist? Hahaha, goodness no! The plan is for me to sit back, relax and let you worry about everything. If I remember something I'll tell you to do something about it, but I don't really have any power to help you so you're on your own.
Shirogane: Alright good bye, I have some chicks to impress.
*Later With the Squad*
Squad: Wow, you're so cool!
*Shirogane EGO has risen*
Shirogane: Yuuko-sensei, BETA will attack Niigata!
Yuuko: Oh yes, finally some useful information! Quick, give me the details!
Shirogane: The what?
Yuuko: Details! Give me details! How many BETA, where will they go, what will they do, in what formation will they march, where will the lasers be? We can plant traps, nukes, whatever! If we do this correctly we can neutralize the threat as soon as it emerges!
Shirogane: Put the crack pipe down, bitch. I just know that they will attack on the 11th of November from Niigata, now do something about it.
*shirogane leaves while mumbling*
Shirogane: Christ, what an idiot. It's like she expects me to be an intelligent, half-adequate protagonist or something.
*Yuuko does a lot of stuff and the threat is shot down*
Shirogane: Yes! I did it! I saved Japan from the invasion! You see that Yuuko-sensei!? You're a dumb bitch who can't do anything without me! I'm a hero!
Shirogane: Hey, can we improve the OS?
Yuuko: My research's going nowhere, why not I suppose. How do you want to improve it?
Shirogane: I want to do this and that. Is that possible?
Yuuko: With my, Yashiro's and many Alternative IV people's skills it should be possible.
Shirogane: Cool. Oh yeah, there's some shit about people in the mountain do something about it.
*Le Butterfly Effect & 12/5 Incident*
Fagiri: Bla bla nationalism. Nationalism, bla bla.
Other Japanese guy: M0TH3RFACKER WHAT IF THE BETA INVADE AGAIN!? WE LOST 36+M LAST TIME!
Fagiri: LALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! NATIONALISM! NATIONALISM! ALL HAIL JAPAN!
Class Rep's dad: Nigga, you u mad. Figuratively and literally.
Fagiri: My feelings are more important than the long term survivability of everyone around me.
Class Rep's dad: Blargh.
*later battle with rebels*
Rebels: Die traitors!
Shirogane: I'm so MLG pro and my skills are sooo 133t but I can't score a single kill even though all I have to do is pull the trigger.
Author: What? You want to be a half-adequate protagonist or something? Get out of here mate.
Shirogane: Come on really! I'm supposed to be the best pilot around, all I have to do is pull the trigger and I'll out shine Marimo-chan highest kill streak! Why won't you let me do it!?
Author: Well, then I'll have to write about you coming to terms with the guilt/PTSD of killing people and I don't feel like writing that because its too complicated. Just run around like a helpless chicken and wait to get rescued.
Shirogane: Fine, do I at least get a hot chick with me?
Author: Will a Shogun do?
Shirogane: HELL YEAH!
*STF-A01 vs Rebels*
STF-A01: Use XM3!
>Rebels used attack > It missed! > <Please wait 1 minute before attacking or use GEMS XM3 to attack>
Rebel: Shit, we have to wait!
Isumi: VALKYRIES! USE GEMS TO KEEP ATTACKING!
>STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > >STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > >STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > >STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! > STF-A01 used attack > It's super effective! >
Rebels: WTF! HAX! FUCKING PAY2WIN GEMMING PIECES OF SHIT!
Takahara: HOLY SH!T THIS XM3 MAKES US MLG PRO!
Komaki: Get rekt.
STF-A01: Wah wah wah wah wah.
Frodo Rebel: This is a perfect opportunity to pull the trigger while they're dazed, but let's not do that and keep watching them instead.
Komaki&Isumi to their teams: Get your shit together!
STF&Rebels: Yes sir!
*rebels EVASION has increased by two ranks*
Komaki&Isumi to each other: Stop doing what you're doing!
Komaki&Isumi: NO U!
Frodo Rebel 2: Why didn't we just use long range sniper rifles against them?
Frodo Rebel 3: I don't know, why didn't we pack a TSF with explosives and have that pilot pretend to surrender, get among their ranks and self detonate?
Komaki: CHARGE NOW AND THINK LATER!
Frodo Rebel 4: That's why.
*later with Fagiri & Not!Meiya*
Fagiri: I killed those people because they ignored everyone else and chose to do what they believed to be the best path for survival.
NotMeiya: How is that different from what you're doing right now?
NotMeiya: Stop this bullshit please.
*common sense and sense of sacrifice has entered Fagiri*
*Fagiri has evoled to SAGIRI*
Sagiri: As you wish.
Everyone: Yes! The civil war is over!
F-22: lol nope.
*anger and sense of betrayal has entered Sagiri*
*Sagiri has gone to Super Eishi*
Super Sagiri: Everyone dies!
*Epic battle occurs, people die and rebellion is shut down. Everyone then acts like nothing happened and no one shows signs of PTSD, not even the fucking children*
*Later with the XM3 trials*
Marimo: XM3 is epic and all, but too much red tape.
Shirogane: Fack. I'm sure Yuuko sensei will do something.
Marimo: Aren't you at least going to help her come up with a solution?
Shirogane: Too busy having my ego stroked to bother becoming an intelligent, half-decent protagonist. I mean look at me, aren't you impressed?
Marimo: I swear to god if there wasn't such a large age gap between us...
Shirogane: YEAH! I'M SO GOOD! I'M SO GOOD! I'M A HERO! A HERO! GOD I'M SO HARD! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
Shirogane: YEAH! I'M S-
BETA: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!
Shirogane: Woe is me.
Squad: Woe is him.
Marimo: Woe is you.
Shirogane: Woe is me.
CO: Woe is you.
Isumi: Woe is you.
Yuuko: Woe is you.
*later with Isumi*
Isumi: Shit happens, but we live with it. Get some sleep k?
Shirogane: Woe is me.
Squadmate &or Meiya: Woe is you, but you are still great!
Shirogane: Woe is me.
Meiya: Woe is not you.
Shirogane: HOW DARE YOU!
*Shit happens and Shirogane runs away*
Shirogane: Woe is me.
*Insert Bitch tears here*
Shirogane: Life doesn't get any better than this.
TV Anchor: So how about that Marimo eh?
TV Anchor 2: Yeah mate, heard about how she got thrown into a meat grinder and shit.
TVA 1: OHH! That's nasty!
TVA 2: Put it on replay!
TVA 1: Oh! Hahaha, damn!
TVA 2: Well folks, she's dead. What're you doing later Jim?
TVA 1: Taking the kids for dinner.
TVA 2: Watcha having?
TVA 1: Minced meat.
TVA 2: ....
TVA 1: ....
Both TVA's: BWAHAHAHAHA!
TVA 2: And now for the weather.
Shirogane: Woe is me.
*Insert more woe is me here*
Sumika: You mad?
Sumika: Wanna cry?
Sumika: Baby wanna cry?
Sumika: It's okay to cry.
Shirogane: Yes, you're right...
Shirogane: FACK THIS GAY EARTH! IM KILLING MYSELF!
Yuuko: lol nope. You're going back to where you came from.
*Goes back to BETA land*
Shirogane: Shit, I'm back.
Yuuko: Well look who came crawling back.
Shirogane: I've come to the realization that I'm a frustratingly unintelligent and inadequate main protagonist, but that's okay because I'm not perfect and realizing my faults and coming to terms with them is the first step to improving myself.
Yuuko: You do realize that you're only like that because the author wanted to write specific scenarios that wouldn't have been possible unless he made you as pathetic as possible?
Shirogane: Not really.
Yuuko: Well, whatever. Here's a robot sumika, have fun.
00 Unit: ...
Shirogane: Holy sh!t.
Isumi: Valkyries, meet Shirogane. Shirogane meet Valkyries.
*Later with Meiya*
Shirogane: Meiya, can I carve out your heart for a bit?
*Shirogane stabbed her in the chest with a blunt knife and makes a large incision. He rips out her heart eats it piece by piece then spits everything on the table and then throws it on the ground and steps on it. Then he piles it up and puts it in a freezer that takes it out and puts it back where it was. He throws some salt inside and then sews the opening shut*
Meiya: ...No problem.
Shirogane: Alright, I'm off to see my girlfriend. Later, my bestest friend!
BETA: lol you n!ggas finally came? Get rekt.
*Back with STF*
Isumi: Alright peeps we need to clear the area!
Isumi: Good news, XG-70 is inbound.
Isumi: Bad news, we need to clear out the lasers. And there are 10,000 BETA guarding them.
Valkyries: Sh!t what do we do!?
Hayase: What do we do what do we do what do we do what do we do!
Hayase: shit shit shit shit shit-
Shirogane: 1st Lieutenant, I'll run a diversion and you guys kill the lasers!
Hayase: You w0t mate n1gga !?
Shirogane: Bitch you heard me.
Hayase: Listen to yourself! You have a small chance of success and an almost certainty of death!
Shirogane: Then what am I waiting for?
Meiya: 1st Lieutenant! Let me assist!
Hayase: Fuck off bitch, you'll just distract him and get him killed.
Other Valkyries: '...lol, rekt.'
*STORMVANGUARD EPIC MUSIC *insert earlier if using Win7 edition**
Hayase: GO SHIROGANE!
SHIROGANE: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIINKINS!!!
Valkyries: ...Holy shit.
BETA: COME AT US BRO!
Shirogane: EAT LEAD!
Akane: Lieutenant! Please let us fire missiles as assistance!
Munakata: ...No Akane... that would make the diversion useless... we have to believe in Shiro-
Akane: FUCK SHIROGANE! I MEAN WE NEED TO HELP THE BETA! HE's RAPING THEM OUT THERE!
SHIROGANE: DIE! ALL OF YOU DIE!
Valkyries: Holy shit...
Shirogane: WHAT's WRONG? DON"T WORRY! COME TO PAPA! PAPA WILL FILL YOU WITH HIS LOVE!
Isumi: You getting this!? What Shirogane is doing amounts to war crimes against the BETA!
Yuuko: It's okay, we'll allow it.
Isumi: ...Roger. *closes link*' Goddammit Shirogane, stop trying to increase your harem again! Some of us already have people we like!'
*Later with notSumika*
Shirogane: huh, this shaking reminds me of the time I did it with Meiya in a TSF.
NotSumika: *Gasp* *faints*
Everyone: Oh noes!
Yuuko: Welp, we failed. Isumi, Haruko kill yourselves. Everyone else pack up and go home.
To Be Continued.