Please be warned that although this is a gag article, it contains major spoilers from Alternative, The Day After and War Ensemble.
Hero of the Federation tier Edit
Stone-Cold Crabfucker tierEdit
- Tsukuyomi Mana: Nigga pureezu, she is hands-down, flat-out, no-arguments, the one pilot you would want to watch your back in any situation, be it a
bugmushwar, love, giving you a new toy or just making outup with your childhood friend. She makes serving rich people look easy, and fighting face-eating aliens even easier!
- Alfred Walken: ... What? You want a reason?!... FREEDOM and LIBERTY Bitch.
- Paul Radhabinod: Just look at the guys face and tell me that's not the coldest mofo around.
Overcome All Obstacles tierEdit
- Sendou Yuzuka: Deals with all the shit Hibiki deals with as well as him going near catatonic and deals with it. Her SAN gauge is rumoured to be infinity + 1 point.
- Shirogane Takeru post-Extra Branch: His mind has essentially become hard as diamond due to being shat on so much. Nothing can faze him at this point. Except existences superior to his own, things cut in half, Hayase and Munakata.
- Alternative Yuuko: SACRIFICE EVERYTHING. SAVE HUMANITY. I WANNA DIE BUT I CANT KILL MYSELF.
Deals With It tierEdit
- Yuuya Bridges: Gets the fuck over everything that happened to him as a kid and becomes a samurai like his old man. Also bangs a Russian despite hostility between their two nations. Maybe.
- Everyone else not anywhere on this hellish, infernal, 3-walled, ultra-meta spoilers page, probably. Or eventually. If they live, that is.
- Extra Yuuko: Gets a fucktard from a different dimension that kills her friend thrown at her. Destroys her reputation and life to break into a reactor and help the brat go back and finish his fight.
ESPer and 14 Years Old tierEdit
- Yashiro Kasumi: Can you imagine what it's like being like 14 years old and knowing what manners of filth the people around you are thinking, possibly even about yourself? Yeah. Also essentially a slave of a mad scientist, and forced to wash bathrooms by cat people.
- Inia Sestina: Same as above probably, minus the mad scientist and cat people. But worse, probably due to not being a washboard. Or not, who knows. Also, forced to sleep in a washing machine.
Recurring Angst tierEdit
- Jinguuji Marimo: ANGST ANGST EVERYWHERE. ARAI WHY YOU SUCH A DICK? ARAI WHY YOU SO VAPORIZED? MASH DOCTOR WHY YOU SUCH A DICK? CADETS WHY YOU ALL DIE? CADETS WHY YOU ALL SO DUMB? COMRADES WHY YOU ALL DIE AND MAKE ME SURVIVE? YUUKO WHY YOU NO SAVE THE WORLD? BRATTY SAVIOUR WHY YOU NO BECOME BRATTY SAVIOUR? BRATTY SAVIOUR WHY YOU GONE NOW?
Grade Schooler tierEdit
- Makabe Seijyurou: Overreacts to every slightest thing. Get over it though.
Does NOT Deal With It tierEdit
- Unlimited Yuuko: Gets shitfaced and sleeps with an idiot to feel better about herself because of a calculation mistake.
- 00 Unit: Has terrible flashbacks of her past torture during a mission. After learning that her boyfriend fuked other girls while she was in an orgasm-tank, she collapses and sends Yuuko into a panic attack, causes best girl to die, causes an entire island and its survivors to go boom and makes what should have been an easy victory into a semi-defeat. While Asagi is ranked No.01 on this list, the 00 Unit gets an honorable mention of rank No.00
- Shirogane Takeru pre-Extra branch: Breaks down from hypnotism, seeing people get killed, drugs, PTSD, flashbacks of Alternative V, flashbacks of his girlfriend leaving earth, having someone eaten in front of him, getting into a fight with everyone who told him to get his head out of his ass, trying to rape another friend who tried to slap some sense into him, getting someone thrown down a meat grinder, having his friend forget about him and causing his new girlfriend to become comatose, all within the same week. Small time.
- Isumi Akira: Breaks down from remembering three squadmates getting rammed by Destroyers and almost getting killed by a Grappler. Small time.
- Tatsunami Hibiki: Breaks down from mere cannibalism, a superior officer hanging himself, being hunted by other humans as food, watching a friend go insane, being stabbed and not shooting a canadian. Smaller time.
- Asagi: The title-winning representative of this tier. Man, does she ever not manage to deal with it!
- Naoe Kanna: Not content with just having to SOLO PULL 500 SMALL BETA ON FOOT (yes she has a mechanised exoskeleton but 500 Tanks, Soldiers and Warriors > one machine gun), she decides that it would also be the perfect time for a PTSD relapse including a blow...errr....bite by bite commentary of her besties journey into the mouth of a Tank-class. It should also be mentioned that another 3000+ lives depend on her doing this so that her man can go and suicide charge a bunch of Laser-class with 7 mech infantry, no artillery support and no reinforcements (notice that he does not break down over this, indeed he resolves himself to be executed for going against orders and blowing a bridge). Small time.